Now that this sad shit-show of a saga is over, the only thing we have left, is the thought, ‘what if they did a decent sequel trilogy with a coherent story without the political rape that Disney inflicted upon this series?’. How hard was it to produce something that remotely resembles a Star Wars story?
Apart from the visuals, there are three fundamental flaws with Episodes 7, 8 and 9. The visual effects and art design are the trilogy’s best asset, but sometimes they do act against the films. The entire narrative seems to be built around these great visuals. And then, to make things unbearable, the cluttering of the SFX is overdone, almost to the point of ridiculousness.
- The characters serve no purpose. Rey is a nobody who is a somebody, and that’s about it. Forget that she’s an overpowered demigod, her lack of femininity, or masculinity; this lack of any sexuality is unnerving to watch. It’s not the actor’s fault, it is partly the pedestrian direction, the bland wardrobe, and the stale dialogue. Mostly, It’s as if androgeny is what studio execs think attracts audiences to a protagonist. They ignore the fact that males can relate to male or female characters, and females can relate to male or female characters. Give the audience a sexless being, there is basically nothing to relate to.
The ex-stormtrooper, Finn, served no purpose. He achieved nothing in the course of three films. Poe Dameron achieved what exactingly? A hot-shot pilot who remained a hot-shot pilot. He, Finn and everyone else in the narrative contributed zero.
The godlike Rey ended the villain without any assistance from anyone. And the villain? What? Kylo Ren got redeemed for killing his own father? There exists no redemption for such a thing, not in this universe nor in some other far far away. Patricide is not a redeemable notion, especially the murder of a beloved good guy, for no reason at all.
- This brings us to the plot. There isn’t any logical plot. What is Han Solo doing at the beginning of the series? How does he happen to be near Jakku at the same time… Ugh. What is the First Order? Why would Leia not act like Leia? Why would Luke…? Why would Kylo kill his father? You cannot redeem someone like that. It is not romantic. It’s not cool. And this business with the Emperor makes no sense. It’s as if these muppets have never sat down and watched or read anything related to the franchise. When you listen to the key creatives discuss it in the media, it becomes clear that they actually don’t understand Star Wars. I can appreciate the corporate/political fucktardary going on at Lucasfilm, but how fucking hard was it to structure a story that adheres to Star Wars logic and lore.
- Insert politics here. Yes, Disney Star Wars reeks of politics. It is shoved into your face and throat, ham-fisted, violating all your sensibilities. There is a way to do this. It’s subtle. You take a look at history, note how society has dealt with issues of power and money, take the recurring themes and weave them into your plot. What you don’t do, is spew contemporary politics onto the narrative, because in the fog of current affairs, here on Earth at least, everybody has their heads stuck up their ass. Every person on this planet happens to be convinced that their view of the world is proper and correct. Why alienate any section of your audience? Recurring social themes resonate with everyone. From the distance of history, truth becomes universal.
I guess, as a coping mechanism, I decided to give it a try, to write an outline of a trilogy that would entertain, make sense and satisfy an audience. For this exercise, I used material from both the director’s stories (sans their intolerable politics and other nonsense) and material from canon and legends stories (not that fucking hard with Wookieepedia). It took me an evening, just a few hours to rough out something that I would consider fun, entertaining, and logical. Anybody can do this, so why in fuck couldn’t these corporate morons achieve something that’s remotely coherent and sensible? I recommend you try it too, it definitely helped me prove, at least to me, that this mess that Star Wars has become was the result of incompetent creatives, or worse, turned into garbage by design.
Two New Republic Navy corvettes chase down a loyalist dropship. The dropship descends into the atmosphere of Jakku.
On Jakku, Rey sees the dropship in the sky. She continues scavenging the wreckage of a fallen star destroyer. Once inside she trips, hurts herself and gets trapped. Rey uses her nascent ability of force-power to escape peril.
The dropship enters a hidden base in the desert. Fugitive storm-troopers prepare to face off against an NRN assault team. The First Order (Kylo Ren) is introduced, as they try to recruit new members. Finn, a stormtrooper, witnesses deserters/mutineers being executed. During the battle, Finn escapes.
A hooded commander leads the New Republic assault squad. After the battle, the commander looks over at a distant town. Poe is ordered to hunt down any escapees.
Rey encounters Finn in the desert, mistrustful, but she still helps him. Poe, on a speeder bike, closes in on them.
The hooded NRN commander enters Niima Outpost, roaming the labyrinthine streets. He finds an Ugor scoundrel. “Where’s my ship?”
Rey/Finn enter Niima Outpost. Poe catches up and attempts to arrest Finn but First Order agents interfere. During the ensuing gun battle, Rey uses force push. The hooded NRN commander, who is Han Solo, enters the battle, levelling the playing field. The First Order flees to the port and escapes on ships, but one turns back to attack. Solo finds the Millennium Falcon, but the First Order ship has them pinned down. Arriving at the scene, Chewie saves the day with a rocket launcher. They enter the Falcon. Solo orders Poe to stay behind with the prisoner, Finn but takes Rey with him (after he witnessed her use of The Force). Solo offers to help Rey find her parents.
They journey to Kashyyyk. Life Day celebrations are on. Solo meets Leia who is there for political negotiations. She is not happy with him. “Where’s our son?” (Their son has been missing for years.) Solo introduces Leia to Rey.
On Jakku, prisoner Finn tells Poe about the First Order, and how they are amassing ex-Imperial loyalists on a secret Starkiller base. After a riot by loyalist prisoners, Finn helps Poe. Poe decides to notify Solo, taking Finn with him.
The First Order, led by Kylo Ren, raids Kashyyyk during the celebration, leaving Kachirho half ruined. Poe arrives and helps to push the First Order away. After the battle, Solo sends Poe on a mission to find Luke Skywalker and sends Rey with him. Solo takes Finn to find the First Order’s Starkiller base, leaving Chewie behind to assist in the disaster relief effort.
Luke Skywalker is exploring a jungle planet in the Esstran Sector in the Outer Rim Territories. Atop a Sith temple, he encounters a Twi’leks warrior. During the lightsaber duel, it is revealed that the Twi’lek warrior is a sith Apprentice, that was ordered to follow and assassinate him. Luke spares the defeated Twi’lek, then senses a ship arrive.
Poe and Rey arrive in orbit. They are ambushed by a squad of rogue, modified Tie Fighters. After a space dogfight in the upper atmosphere, they crash into the jungle. Poe and Rey trek in the forest and get in trouble with local wildlife and a tribe.
Solo, Finn and a squad of New Republic ships arrive at the Ilum System and hide in a Mooncity orbiting Ilum, masquerading as defectors wanting to join the First Order. The place is a bottleneck on the Metellos-Ilum hyperspace route; whoever controls it, controls access from the Unknown Regions, and to Kyber crystal resources. They discover wave after wave of ex-imperial troops and equipment arriving.
Poe and Rey escape peril and find Skywalker. Rey explains, as a child, she had strange abilities. Luke is apprehensive about Rey (has a bad feeling about her.) Not impressed with her Force push, he is undecided if he wants to train her. Poe by now is supportive of Rey.
Solo and Finn infiltrate the Starkiller base. Solo gets captured. Finn fights his way into hiding.
Luke senses Solo is in trouble. Poe wants to go and help Solo. Skywalker gives him his X-wing, deciding it is more essential to find the truth hidden deep inside the Sith temple. He gives Rey a choice; stay with him, or go and fight. She chooses to go.
Solo is interrogated by Kylo Ren, who reveals he is Solo Jr. “Why?” Kylo Ren tries to explain, but hologram Snoke does a better job. The New Republic is weak and corrupt, pushing the galaxy into chaos.
After signalling to the undercover NRN squad to attack, Finn attempts to free Solo, finding sympathisers among the stormtroopers.
Luke enters the pit. Sith artifacts abound. Encounters the force ghosts of various Sith lords.
Rey and Poe arrive at the Mooncity. The First Order is on high alert and is cracking down on the local population, grounding the NRN fighter ships. Poe meets up with the New Republic fighters and pilots but Rey is captured by First Order troops.
Assist by Finn and some defecting stormtroopers, Solo escapes.
Poe leads the New Republic squadron in an assault on the hangar. They commandeer the ships and proceed to attack Starkiller base on the planet below.
Rey is delivered to Kylo Ren. The New Republic squad attacks. Hologram Snoke orders to defend the base long enough for a star destroyer to arrive.
Luke discovers a secret about the Sith, the force ghost of Palpatine, taunting him.
Poe spots a star destroyer enter nearby space. Deciding to give Solo more time to escape before bombing Starkiller base, he orders an assault on the destroyer. Another destroyer hyperspaces in.
Solo and Finn rescue Rey. They fight their way out of the base into the snow. Kylo Ren blocks their escape. Hologram Snoke presses him to kill his father, but Ren is unable to comply.
Poe leads the NRN squad against the two Star Destroyers.
Finn attacks Kylo Ren with a blaster but loses badly. Rey steals Ren’s lightsaber using Force Pull. Unarmed, Ren dodges Rey’s attempts to strike him down, taunting her, finally disabling her with Force Choke.
Poe blows up one of the Star Destroyers.
Before Kylo Ren can kill her, the Millenium Falcon, piloted by Chewie, appears, blasting Ren with cannons. Ren Force Pulls his lightsaber back and blocks laser fire but is pushed away. An injured Solo finds Rey and helps her into the Falcon. Finn enlists fellow stormtroopers and attacks Kylo Ren. Seeing all is lost, Kylo Ren retreats.
New Republic reinforcements arrive and Starkiller base is overrun. Leia and Luke arrive. They reunite with Solo, Chewie and the new gang at an old Jedi Temple overlooking the snow-covered valley of Ilum.
Led by Poe, a New Republic expedition force is escorting Leia to a political summit. It is attacked by three Star Destroyers.
Luke trains Rey at an old Jedi temple on Yavin 4. Teaches her how to build a lightsaber.
Solo, Chewie and Finn explore The Outer Rim Territories for information regarding Snoke. Ending up on Cantonica.
Poe helps Leia escape to the nearest planet, Crait. They dig in and wait for reinforcements.
During her training, Rey is Force-bonded with Kylo Ren, who offers her the secret to her percentage. Luke tries to dissuade her and instead offers her to go with him to help Leia.
Solo and Finn meet up with Lando who has discovered a syndicate that funds and funnels weaponry to the First Order. The trio encounter Cody Sunn-Childe, an ex-rebel hero, who has retired to a life of peace.
On a starport along the Hydian Way, Rey gives Luke the slip and goes to Cantonica.
On Crait, Poe and his team face off against a wave of Tie Fighters. The siege is on.
On Cantonica, Kylo Ren appears and corners Solo. Hologram Snoke once again orders Kylo Ren to kill Solo, Kylo Ren can’t bring himself to do it. Snoke kills Solo by proxy using Kylo Ren’s body. This is witnessed by Finn.
On Crait, Poe and Leia plan a counterattack. Above, the Destroyer commander gets orders from hologram Snoke to bomb the planet.
On Cantonica, Lando, Chewie and Finn battle First Order brigades. Cody refuses to fight. Rey sneaks aboard the Destroyer and confronts Kylo Ren and Snoke. Snoke makes Kylo Ren and Rey fight. Kylo Ren betrays and kills Snoke. Lando, Chewie and Finn seek shelter in Cody’s quarters. A pacifist, Cody eventually lashes out, sending his forces to attack the Star Destroyer.
On Crait, during the battle, hologram Kylo Ren aborts the bombing, instead, he orders down a ground force.
In the destroyer orbiting Cantonica, Kylo Ren tells her parents are nobodies and asks Rey to join his new empire. She says no. Kylo Ren leaves her to perish on board the disabled Star Destroyer.
On Crait, Luke arrives and confronts First Order ground forces and makes short work of the stormtrooper brigades, but the death probe proves more challenging. Poe rallies troops to assist Luke Skywalker.
In orbit around Cantonica, Lando, Chewie and Finn split up in an effort to rescue Rey. Lando finds and rescues Rey aboard the sinking destroyer. Finn and Chewie get stuck on a Battlecruiser that jumps into hyperspace to somewhere unknown.
Poe helps Luke and Leia escape the blockade with the help of reinforcements from Sullust.
On Cantonica, Luke, Poe and Leia reunite with Lando and Rey for the funeral of Han Solo.
Kylo Ren explores the abandoned castles of Teth. Encounters a treasure of Rakatan artifacts guarded by Hutt minions.
On Endor, Rey is taught by Leia* in the ways of diplomacy. In a class of trainees, it is explained that the New Republic is on the brink of collapse because it lacks leadership and that member states fear the First Order.
Luke with a trio of apprentices, go to the Sith world of Korriban in search of answers. He finds there a cult led by a dark Jedi who seeks to establish a Sith academy. Luke and the dark Jedi clash.
On Endor, Lando, after pleading with New Republic senators to put together a space fleet, sends Poe on a mission. Poe is to find Chewie and Finn. Rey, who has become impatient, sneaks into Poe’s YT light freighter.
Kylo Ren discovers the Starforge. He battles a small fleet of Far Outsider starfighters. Entering the Starforge, Kylo Ren encounters Snoke, alive, and guarded by an army of reptoids. Snoke had used a clone, anticipating the betrayal. Snoke and Kylo Ren duel. Snoke blames Kylo Ren’s inaction for the death of Han Solo. Guilt-ridden, and no longer redeemable, Kylo Ren submits. Snoke shows Kylo Ren the power of the Starforge, explains that he has struck a deal with the Far Outsiders to conquer the galaxy, and offers him another chance to serve him. Kylo Ren accepts, but Snoke needs Rey.
Finn and Chewie are trapped aboard a crippled Sun Razer, parked in The Junkyard, a massive ringed space city of junk orbiting Yarma and a First Order hideout and stronghold. Finn is forced back into Stormtrooper maintenance duties. Chewie is forced into slavery working as a mechanic.
On Korriban, still stalking the dark Jedi through a labyrinth. Luke learns the dark Jedi is affiliated with Kylo Ren. He also discovers that Sith sympathisers have heard rumours of a pact between a Sith Lord and the Far Outsiders. Luke tries to persuade the dark Jedi to the light side. With one of his own apprentices killed, Luke is forced to kill the dark Jedi. Luke gets another taunt from Palpatine’s force ghost.
Rey and Poe arrive at The Junkyard. They attempt to dock but are attacked by Tie Fighters. A dogfight among the space junk ensues.
Finn learns about the dogfight and sets out to free Chewie. Together they fight their way to the Sun Razors hangar. Rey and Poe’s YT light freighter is damaged, so they dock at Reklam Station. They fight and space hop their way to the Sun Razor, where they unite with Finn and Chewie. They steal a frigate to escape, but before they do, the Sun Razor launches from orbit and jumps into hyperspace.
Luke arrives at the Starforge. So have six Star Destroyers** from the defunct imperial navy. They are gathering, as each admiral awaits the new leadership of the First Order to be formalised.
Ren learns that Snoke has his own armada of Far Outsider forces, and with the Starforge he will conquer the galaxy.
Lando arrives with the New Republic fleet.
Luke lands on the Starforge and confronts Kylo Ren. They fight.
The Sun Razor arrives in Starforge space just as the two armadas square up to fight. Poe and Chewbacca choose to take the frigate to join the New Republic fleet. Rey chooses to go to the Starforge instead. Before they split up, Rey convinces Finn to fight for the side his heart is with. Finn refuses to fight against his brothers and sisters, so chooses to stay. Poe and Chewie leave for the New Republic fleet. Finn helps Rey find a craft to escort Rey to the Starforge.
On the Starforge, Luke duels with Kylo Ren, the anger of Solo’s death by his own son tempting him to the dark side. It also pains him to be fighting his friend’s son.
Rey arrives and explores the Starforge. When she finds the duelling duo, Luke sees the truth; Snoke’s hidden agenda. Kylo Ren sees it too. Luke tells Kylo Ren that all of Snoke’s apprentices are all disposable and that Rey is the principal apprentice, to be groomed to lead the new empire.
As the two fleets square off, another larger Far Outsider fleet arrives. Finn convinces his colleague not to fight the New Republic. When the Far Outsiders attack, the two galactic armadas join forces.
Luke allows himself to be killed by Kylo Ren, who until the last second learns the truth about Snoke’s plan/betrayal. Rey attacks Kylo Ren. While Kylo Ren fights Rey, he is conflicted about his purpose. He realises that Rey is the ex-Emperor’s granddaughter and that he was just a pawn.
X-wings and Tie Fighters together battle it out against the Far Outsiders.
When Kylo Ren refuses to kill Rey, Snoke unleashes reptoids upon him. Rey helps him defeat them, and they team up and fight Snoke and his clones.
While Finn and his fellow tie fighter engage the Far Outsiders, Poe heads a strike force to destroy the Starforge.
Snoke grievously wounds Ren. Using Luke’s lightsaber and her own, Rey fights Snoke alone but is unable to get close enough to strike. Kylo Ren distracts Snoke, allowing Rey and him to jump down to another level. Kylo Ren and Rey both use Force Pull to tug the Sun Razor towards the Starforge.
Finn sees this and alerts the crews onboard the Sun Razor to abandon the ship.
Snoke attempts to thwart their plans by Force-pushing the Sun Razor back, but it’s too late. Rey drags Kylo Ren to a Far Outsider escape pod, he dies in her arms as the pod flees the destruction.
The Sun Razor collides with the Starforge. The Far Outsiders flee. The New Republic and ex-Imperial fleet face off against each other once again. Lando calls for a truce, in which the admirals accept the peace offer.
Rey and her companions, journey to Tatooine to bury Luke’s lightsaber in a small memorial ceremony in the desert. They all watch the twin suns set over the horizon.
*Leia could be easily written in or out at this point.
**over-clutter visual FX is shit. It looks ridiculous and logistically illogical. In war, you don’t need a million spaceships to win the battle, just what is strategically available.
How hard was that?